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Life is Fragile.

I never realised just how fragile life is until now. I have had recurrent thoughts about death before, and how life could crash down in just a second, but until the possibility loomed on me I had taken it all for granted.

When my uncle committed suicide when I was around the age of 7, I don’t even think I understood what was happening. I can’t really remember him now, except for sudden memories that haunt me every so often. That distant memory still sometimes plagues me, yet I still didn’t realise the importance and fragility of life itself.

When my brother became ill with Anorexia Nervosa when I was around 12, I was forced to grow up really quickly and be strong with the rest of my family. He was on the brink of death, and was admitted into an inpatient hospital where he was treated for his illness. However; although extremely difficult, especially with the added pain of him not conversing or sitting anywhere near me due to his fear of my weight, I still didn’t see the importance because he didn’t die. Although close, he was still very much here and was gradually getting better. Hope clouded any fear of death and the fragility of life.

Then my depression that had been there for years got worse as of last year, and I began to seriously consider death as a better option than the hell in which I was suffering in. Although still depressed, I am starting to see a way out. A glimpse of light which I haven’t seen in so long.

My mum has been in serious pain for months now, to the point where she is struggling to walk. She looks really ill, and the pain is blatantly obvious. It’s so hard to watch. She’s been to the doctors, and they referred her for an X-Ray. They then referred her for an urgent orthopaedics appointment. She recently had another X-Ray in which there are changes.
My dad told me she is okay, and should be okay. But when he didn’t think I could hear, I wasn’t eavesdropping he was outside my window, I overheard him telling someone that they have found a tumour. So she is having an urgent MRI scan to see if the tumour is cancerous.

Now I am starting to see how fragile life is. If my mother is diagnosed with cancer, there is the possibility that she may not get to see many sunsets. She may not get to experience any more Sunday dinners. I’m going to have to stop there though, because it breaks my heart thinking about it.

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Help.

I can easily say that nights are the hardest. They are the times when I sink into the depths of my despair and when I truly cannot see a way out. All I see is darkness. There is no other way to explain it.

I’ve been on a high for around 2 weeks, and I am now beginning to feel the dreaded come down. The come down is always hard, after the high. Makes me feel like I will never be truly happy. I can slowly feel all of the energy draining out of me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I keep having these moments where I feel vacant, like I’m not really here. I’m walking and talking but I’m not truly here, not truly existing. I know that sounds strange but that is genuinely how I feel as of late. Like someone is slowly sucking my soul out of my body.

I can generally distract myself during the day, what with being at sixth form and work but at night I have nothing to do but think. Even when I’m watching a film, or revising my mind always always without a doubt goes back to the recurrent thoughts. So when teachers ask me why I haven’t done my prep, or why my folder isn’t up to date: this is why. But I can’t exactly say “because I feel like I’m not existing and I feel like my mind is too full to function.” – that wouldn’t seem like a valid excuse, would it?

I can’t even tell anyone all of this because everyone thinks I’m okay now. When the truth is, my moods are so irregular that it is so fucking tiring that I don’t know if i’m going to be high or low from one day to the next. I genuinely think I may have bipolar disorder, even my doctors suggested it but they won’t investigate because ‘I’m too young’.

What the fuck do I have to do to get someone’s attention these days? For someone to listen to me? Even when I tell them that I no longer want to live on this earth anymore, and that every night consists of me fighting for my life and against the thoughts that tell me to end it all – they don’t listen. Because they can’t be bothered to look and see if there is anything deeper, anything more sinister.

I often get told to just ‘snap myself out of it’. Oh, if only I’d thought of that before! NO. It is not possible to just snap myself out of a depression so deep, that everyday I have to plaster a smile on my face and act like I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong, somedays I do feel okay. But that is only when I am surrounded by people. Not when I’m alone. Never when I’m alone.

I no longer know what to do. I can’t keep living with these highs and lows. I just can’t.

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mini rant.

So, that weekend was awful. Started off okay, had a few nights out but at the end of each night I got home and started crying. On saturday night, I found myself hoping that my choker would strangle me to death in my sleep.
On sunday, had a massive panic attack and my family hate me.
Today, my dad told me that he thinks I turn my depression on and off when it suits me. What? that hurt the most.

I’m also sick of people around me talking about these stupid fad diets and how they need to lose weight. Just piss off.

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Losing control.

“Everything will be okay”

“Things will get better in time”

“This is just a phase, you’ll pull yourself out of it soon.”

These are the 3 most common lies I’ve heard off of people who know about my depression. They seem to believe that I should be able to just ‘slap myself out of it’ straight away This isn’t the case, I have been struggling for years and I’m still not better. I don’t know if I ever will be.

All I know is that I want to keep trying but the thoughts are just too overwhelming and I’m scared I won’t be able to ignore them for much longer. What do you do when the thoughts inside your head are so loud you can’t even hear yourself think? What do you do when you try pushing them to the back of your mind, but they always manage to slide through? What do you do when you can’t see a way out?

Nothing. That’s what you do. Nothing.

I don’t know how to deal with them anymore, they’re getting louder and louder. My friends and family don’t understand in the slightest and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. This is why I write this blog. I know it’s super depressing and I’m sorry, but at the moment it is my only way of release.

When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life ahead of me. I thought I had everything planned, but that really isn’t the case; everything is so out of control, I can’t seem to grip on to anything. I feel like I’m falling and life is so unpredictable, and that scares me. It fucking terrifies me.

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hoiew4ljfkdsm,

Sorry if this post isn’t the most coherent, I’m currently crying while writing this.

It hurts. Everything hurts. I’m scared and I’m down and I’m…just, fucking sick of it.
Nothing is working. Absolutely freaking nothing. What am I supposed to do when I feel like I’m spiralling down and down and whenever I try to get help NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS.

I’ve told Doctors, Psychologists, School, family, everyone. I’m desperate and I can’t do it. I just can’t

if no one wants to help then i’m obviously not worth it

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CAMHS.

Okay, so CAMHS called and rearranged my appointment to today at 2 ‘o’ clock. I’m quite glad because I really needed it. Going to tell them these tablets aren’t working. They will probably just bump up the dose which won’t work, I know it won’t. It didn’t before, so why do they think it will now.
I want them to try me on mood stabilisers but I know they won’t. Which frustrates me because NOTHING ELSE HAS WORKED. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING.

When I was younger, I thought the world was a nice rosy place and that I would grow up to be happy. I was so oblivious. I’m not happy, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

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Spiralling.

Today was bad. Today was very bad. I woke up happy. I had a doctor’s appointment for my Pizotifen review, came out still happy. Went to school. Then things went downhill.

First, I had biology which I am not doing well in at all. And that’s an understatement. I suddenly became very very low, feeling pushed out by my friends and just generally stupid. So I went to the toilets and instead of going back, I sat in a cubicle for half an hour crying my eyes out and having a minor panic attack. I finally pushed myself to go into Psychology, late, and we were talking about ECT, depression and suicide. This made it even worse, because my thoughts are often centered around suicide at the moment and I am severely clinically depressed. My teacher kept me after lesson, and surprise surprise – I started crying. Again. She sent me to the head of sixth form and guess what? Cried again. Went home early.

Came home, cried and laid in bed. Had 2 naps. Now I’m just drained and sad and scared. Something I didn’t tell you; when I was in the toilets the only thought that would calm me down was the thought of leaving life and making the pain go away. That terrifies me. I’m scared that if someone doesn’t help me soon, I am going to do exactly that while I’m having a really low moment.

I have tried to get help. I have told doctors and psychiatrists about these thoughts and they are still keeping me on medication that has no effect. They aren’t observing me or helping. My counsellors don’t see me anymore and CAMHS rarely sees me. Them and my GP said that they would arrange CBT; that was over a month ago. What am I supposed to do when I have literally tried everything and the only thing that I haven’t tried are mood stabilisers which they aren’t letting me go on.

I need help.