I can easily say that nights are the hardest. They are the times when I sink into the depths of my despair and when I truly cannot see a way out. All I see is darkness. There is no other way to explain it.
I’ve been on a high for around 2 weeks, and I am now beginning to feel the dreaded come down. The come down is always hard, after the high. Makes me feel like I will never be truly happy. I can slowly feel all of the energy draining out of me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I keep having these moments where I feel vacant, like I’m not really here. I’m walking and talking but I’m not truly here, not truly existing. I know that sounds strange but that is genuinely how I feel as of late. Like someone is slowly sucking my soul out of my body.
I can generally distract myself during the day, what with being at sixth form and work but at night I have nothing to do but think. Even when I’m watching a film, or revising my mind always always without a doubt goes back to the recurrent thoughts. So when teachers ask me why I haven’t done my prep, or why my folder isn’t up to date: this is why. But I can’t exactly say “because I feel like I’m not existing and I feel like my mind is too full to function.” – that wouldn’t seem like a valid excuse, would it?
I can’t even tell anyone all of this because everyone thinks I’m okay now. When the truth is, my moods are so irregular that it is so fucking tiring that I don’t know if i’m going to be high or low from one day to the next. I genuinely think I may have bipolar disorder, even my doctors suggested it but they won’t investigate because ‘I’m too young’.
What the fuck do I have to do to get someone’s attention these days? For someone to listen to me? Even when I tell them that I no longer want to live on this earth anymore, and that every night consists of me fighting for my life and against the thoughts that tell me to end it all – they don’t listen. Because they can’t be bothered to look and see if there is anything deeper, anything more sinister.
I often get told to just ‘snap myself out of it’. Oh, if only I’d thought of that before! NO. It is not possible to just snap myself out of a depression so deep, that everyday I have to plaster a smile on my face and act like I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong, somedays I do feel okay. But that is only when I am surrounded by people. Not when I’m alone. Never when I’m alone.
I no longer know what to do. I can’t keep living with these highs and lows. I just can’t.