Today was bad. Today was very bad. I woke up happy. I had a doctor’s appointment for my Pizotifen review, came out still happy. Went to school. Then things went downhill.
First, I had biology which I am not doing well in at all. And that’s an understatement. I suddenly became very very low, feeling pushed out by my friends and just generally stupid. So I went to the toilets and instead of going back, I sat in a cubicle for half an hour crying my eyes out and having a minor panic attack. I finally pushed myself to go into Psychology, late, and we were talking about ECT, depression and suicide. This made it even worse, because my thoughts are often centered around suicide at the moment and I am severely clinically depressed. My teacher kept me after lesson, and surprise surprise – I started crying. Again. She sent me to the head of sixth form and guess what? Cried again. Went home early.
Came home, cried and laid in bed. Had 2 naps. Now I’m just drained and sad and scared. Something I didn’t tell you; when I was in the toilets the only thought that would calm me down was the thought of leaving life and making the pain go away. That terrifies me. I’m scared that if someone doesn’t help me soon, I am going to do exactly that while I’m having a really low moment.
I have tried to get help. I have told doctors and psychiatrists about these thoughts and they are still keeping me on medication that has no effect. They aren’t observing me or helping. My counsellors don’t see me anymore and CAMHS rarely sees me. Them and my GP said that they would arrange CBT; that was over a month ago. What am I supposed to do when I have literally tried everything and the only thing that I haven’t tried are mood stabilisers which they aren’t letting me go on.
I need help.